The Little Trains That Could
by KevinJGuhl
Summary: The Aerialbots, Protectobots and Technobots teach the Micromaster Trains (Sixliner) how to be a real Autobot combiner.


(Somewhere in a nameless Japanese neo-city, the Autobots are engaged in battle with the Decepticons. The Autobots are outnumbered.)

Optimus Prime: We're outnumbered. (dodges weapons fire from the Decepticon army closing in)

Ironhide: Yo, dog, them biotches ain't be playin'. We bettah axe for mo' peeps.

Optimus Prime: What? Ironhide, speak so I can understand you.

Ironhide: Thosse Decpticawn bastads aren't playin' Parcheezi, Prahm. Weh need us some reinfahwsments.

Optimus Prime: Much better. (clicks on his communicator) Sky Garry, where are our reinforcements from Cybertron?

Sky Garry: (over comlink) Well, the Omnibots don't feel good enough about themselves to stand beside the likes of Prowl and Mirage, and Powerdasher broke in half years ago, so I've brought someone else.

(The explosions of Decepticon bombs draw nearer to Prime and the Autobots.)

Optimus Prime: Who, Sky, who?!

(Sky Garry, in ship mode, soars out of the sky in all his patriotically-colored glory and opens his cargo hatches. Before Garry soars off to seek more reinforcements, six tiny warriors leap to the ground. They are all wearing cowls, holding spears and chanting, "Nub! Nub!")

Optimus Prime: Dear God, Ewoks?!

(The noise of Decepticon weapons is replaced by Decepticon laughter.)

Leif: Nub! Nub!

Spark: I told you these outfits would not inspire fear!

Dego: Well, I saw it in a movie once and thought the cute and ferocious look would work for us.

Alan: That's it, discard these outfits!

(The disguises are discarded.)

Optimus Prime: Who are you?

Alan: We are the Micromaster Trainbots! We've come to strike fear into the cold hearts of our enemies!

Joe: And we can deliver textiles, too.

Optimus Prime: (looks over the six warriors) What are your names?

Alan: Dego, Spark, Leif, Night, Joe and I am Alan!

Ultra Magnus: (looks at Alan and Joe) Did Daniel Witwicky name you guys?

Alan: Ha! You are just jealous because my name doesn't sound like a condom size!

Optimus Prime: Okay, okay. We need your help to drive back these Decepticons. I need you all to concentrate your fire on the front line.

Alan: We can do better than that! We are a gestalt!

Optimus Prime: Excuse me?

Ironhide: A merge team, Prahm. Like the Aerialbots form Superion.

Optimus Prime: Ohh... That's great! With your combined might, Micromaster Trainbots, the scales of the battle should tip in our favor - in the favor of justice!

Leif: Oh my, I just don't know about this.

Alan: Trainbots, follow my lead!

(Alan runs out onto the battlefield, gun blazing, the others behind him.)

Alan: Form Sixliner!

(All six Trainbots leap into the air, partially transformed, and hover in place, Alan and Leif where the arms of the gestalt should be, Spark and Dego in the torso area and Joe and Night where the legs should be.)

(They continue to hover in place without anything happening.)

Ultra Magnus: Uh, what are they doing?

Alan: Form...Sixliner!

(The six Trainbots begin to vibrate and then fall into a disheveled heap.)

Optimus Prime: Well, that's just primal.

(AFTER the battle and back at Autobase)

(Wheeljack is working on many injured Autobots.)

Wheeljack: Well, it wasn't so bad. You all got away and we only lost Ultra Magnus.

Optimus Prime: Even in loss, there are some victories.

(The Trainbots are sitting on a table, looking guilty.)

Dego: This never happened to Raiden...

Night: Eh. I need a beer.

Optimus Prime: (looking at the Trainbots) What went wrong out there?

Alan: It must have been those blasted Decepticons! I bet they had a gestalt nullifier thiggamajig.

Optimus Prime: Alan, are you sure you really are a merge team? There's no shame in being just Micromasters.

Blast Master: Unless you form the back end of one!

Alan: (stands up in rage) Never! We are not just Minicons-I mean Microns! Micromasters! Something must have gone wrong!

Leif: (waves hand) Perhaps Sixliner just wasn't in the mood, dahlin'.

Optimus Prime: Well, I'll let you figure it out. Perhaps talking to some of our other merge teams will help.

Alan: Yes! Yes, we shall do that!

(LATER, elsewhere in Autobase)

(The Aerialbots are licking their wounds. Well, not literally.)

Silverbolt: Slingshot, did you hear something?

Slingshot: Hey, it wasn't me. Firebutt's the one who ate the Mexican Energon.

Fireflight: Hey, shut up!

Silverbolt: No, not that! It was a grinding noise. (Silverbolt looks down at his leg and sees Leif humping it.) Hey, whatda?! Get off!

Leif: Already did.

(Silverbolt kicks Leif away and the other Trainbots enter.)

Spark: Aww, Jesus, Leif, not again.

Air Raid: What do you want? Planning to fall to shambles in another battle?

(The Aerialbots laugh.)

Alan: (points up) Aerialbots, we need to learn how to be a proper merge team.

Skydive: Why bother? Put together, you'll all be about the height of Bumblebee.

Joe: That's not true. More like Wheelie.

Alan: Dammit, the point is how strong we are with our combined power and intelligence!

(Spark leans against a wall, his arm sinks into a giant electric socket and he get zapped.)

Silverbolt: Well, uh, perhaps we can help them. Trainbots, I think an important part of our team is that our vehicle modes work together. We can fly everywhere, perform cool aerial stunts and that sort of thing. As long as I don't get dizzy and crash.

Alan: Well, we have that. We're all trains! Boys, let's show them a demonstration!

(The Aerialbots follow the Trainbots outside. The Trainbots all transform into their train modes, join together to make a Super Train and begin chugging madly around the nearest train tracks.)

Fireflight: Oh, well, that's pretty good.

Slingshot: Anyone gonna tell them they're on Grapple's model railroad?

(The Trainbots return to robot modes and stand in front of the Aerialbots, looking smug.)

Alan: So, how you like them Snapples?

Silverbolt: That was real purdy, alright. (He gives a weak thumbs up sign.)

Alan: So, what can you tell us about teamwork?

Silverbolt: You know, I heard the Protectobots are really anxious to lecture about that...

(EVEN LATER in Autobase)

Hotspot: Teamwork, you say? Well, I have the perfect exercise to demonstrate that.

Blades: Oh, Christ, not again.

Alan: What is this exercise you speak of?

Hotspot: In my ever-going quest of self-improvement, I've designed a way for each team member to get in touch with the others. To function fully as one unit, Defensor, each member must have a strong hold on who they are and who each other are. I call this exercise...The Circle of Friendship.

Night: If this circle involves the passing around of any kind of burning plant material, I'm in.

Hotspot: The way we do this is to have partners. For this, let's have each Trainbot partner up with a Protectobot.

Alan: There's one more of us. Want me to send Leif back after Silverbolt?

Hotspot: No, no, we'll just have to initiate an honorary Protectobot. (Hotspot looks over at Warpath, who's hiding under a table.) Warpath, come on.

Warpath: (reluctantly comes over) Zam, Hotspot, I hate when you drag me into this nonsense.

Hotspot: Okay, everyone, choose a partner and sit facing him in a big circle. Of friendship.

(The Autbots follow suit, with the following combinations: Hotspot and Alan; Warpath and Leif; Streetwise and Dego; Blades and Night; Groove and Joe; and First Aid and Spark.)

Hotspot: The way this works is one partner describes himself, like he's meeting the other one for the first time and is being honest. HONEST, Blades, who was never and shall never be a rodeo clown. (Blades grumbles.) Then the other does the same. You must maintain eye contact. It's that simple.

Spark: This sucks.

Alan: Hush, Spark, we are here to learn!

Hotspot: Okay, I will go first. My name is Hotspot. I command the Protectobots and do my best to save human lives, whatever the cost. The others usually can't keep up with me, heh, just because I'm that damn good.

Blades: Yeah, you're quick, just like Arcee says!

(The Protectobots laugh.)

Hotspot: Blades! Your turn, Alan.

Alan: (stands up and looks straight at the sky, like it was opening up and the light of Primus was bathing him in pre-destined glory) I was once member of a team called the Super Giant Robot Breast Victory Force! After every one on that team died but me, I knew I had to form a team of my own and lead it. I thus assembled my Trainbots and developed them into a superior fighting force that can merge together into Sixliner, one of the true titans of our time!

Hotspot: That's a great story, Al-

Alan: And it was meant to be, as it was said to be done, and shall ever be forever and ever, Amen and hallelujah, praise my goodness, amen!

Hotspot: Well (He pauses to make sure Alan is done.), how about you, Warpath?

Warpath: Uhh, wellnow, me and my fellow Protectobots like to kick a lot of ass and disease. (He sounds like he's reading off of a cue card.) Whenever I ride into a burning city and pick up pedestrians on my turret, I see the look of...relief...in their eyes to see a rescue tank headed their way. I know it's a job well done and then I can go home and play Operation! Bam!

Leif: Hi, Warpath, my name is Leif. I am 300,000 years old, throbbingly male and located right in front of you, big boy.

Warpath: Uh, Hotspot, can I leave?

Hotspot: No. You go, Dego.

Dego: Oh, well, I've been around a long time and I've seen a lot of things. And what I've realized in all that time is that there's a whole lot of **** that pisses me off. Like this ******* therapy group. God-damned hippie ****.

Streetwise: (adopts a gruff voice) Well, it's said that I have an uncanny ability to understand and adapt to just about anything. They even say I can ******* pose as anyone I ******* choose to.

Dego: What the hell, are you imitating me, boy?!

Streetwise: ******* no.

Dego: Oh, that's it! (He jumps up.)

Hotspot: Hey, hey, sit back down, Dego. You want to learn something here, don't you?

Dego: (sits down) I don't get paid enough Energon for this ****.

Hotspot: Anyway, Blades?

Blades: I am a soldier and my job is to slash through Decepticon ass. End of story.

Night: Hey, well (He reaches into some kind of pocket and takes out a can, cracks it open and takes a sip.), I like to hang out with my buds, sip a little brewski while watching Earth transmissions of the Expos on the viewscreen; I got all the games on tape so far. Then maybe afterwards catch a little curling. Know what I mean, eh?

Blades: This disgusts me! What kind of true warrior are you?

Night: None whatsoever. I just kick Decepticon can whenever their battles knock out my reception. And talk about kicking a can... (He chugs back the last of his beer, smashes the can on his head and belches.)

Blades: Can the next person please go?

Groove: (sighs) This war is not meant for me. I ride the streets of Earth, looking to find truth in this cruel universe.

Joe: Then why don't you leave?

Groove: What do you mean? I have this allegiance.

Joe: Just because you were born an Autobot does not mean you have to stay one. If you want to be a motorcycle, just do it. Scrape away all the questions and it's really simple. It's war. They'll find another Protectobot. Look at Warpath.

Groove: Yes, you're - you're right. I never saw it that way. (He stands up and throws down his gun.) I'm sorry, Hotspot, but my true self awaits on the road. (He transforms and rides out of the room.)

Hotspot: (sighs) Blades, go get him.

(Blades runs out.)

Hotspot: Let me guess, Joe, you're a -

Joe: (grins) That's right; combative psychologist. I've turned more 'Cons into pig farmers than you can imagine.

First Aid: Guess, it's my turn. See, I'm a doctor and they do say I have a good bedside manner, y'know-

Spark: Okay, look, I gotta say something. I joined this outfit because it's pretty stupid to be a lone train car. Together, we're a bunch of train cars. That's it! This whole Sixliner thing, Alan, it's a figment of your twisted mind.

Alan: (stands up and grabs his head) No! Nooooooo!!!!!!!! Speak none such blasphemous words! (He flees the room.)

Hotspot: Welll, that was productive.

(LATER LATER in Autobase)

Spark: Okay, Alan, I'm really, really sorry, but it's true. We are not a gestalt team.

Alan: (slams his fists and head into a wall) No, you must all believe me! We can be if we try really hard!

Dego: What, you gonna squeeze real hard and grow a giant robot head out of your ass?

Leif: Didn't your momma ever tell you where we come from, Dego?

Night: Dude, we do combine.

Alan: Eh?

Night: Into a train!

Alan: Noooo!!! (hits his arms into the wall again)

Joe: Very good, Night. Alan, perhaps there is hope. How about we ask him? He's a gestalt. (Joe points over at Computron, who is watching the team as a child might watch a sick otter.)

Computron: Hmm?

Joe: Yes, Computron. You're all technically creative. Can you make us into a combiner?

Computron: Hey, man, I might look smart but I flunked Algebra.

(Joe sighs)

Computron: But, I might know someone who can help make you guys into a gestalt...Hell, he made me.

(LATER CUBED at Autobase)

Alan: No! What are you doing?! Let us go!!!

(All of the Trainbots are screaming as Grimlock forcibly holds them all together in a loose gestalt shape.)

Grimlock: Trainbots stay still or Superglue not take hold!!

Trainbots: Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!

(Wheeljack enters the room.)

Wheeljack: Grimlock, what are you doing now?

Grimlock: I make six train robots into giant train robot!

Wheeljack: Let them go, Grimlock.

Grimlock: Oh, fine, okay. (He drops the Trainbots. They try to get up, but parts of them are bonding to the floor.)

Spark: Damn dinosaurs...

Wheeljack: What's this about BECOMING a gestalt?

Alan: (stands up) Alright, I made it up. I just wanted us to be a merge team so bad. It means everything to be bigger and stronger than the average Micromaster.

Wheeljack: Well, I'd give you some cutesy speech about how all that matters is appreciating who you are, but that's all bullcrap. Micromasters are puny. I think I have an idea on how to help you, though.

Alan: Do tell!

(EVEN MUCH LATER at Autobase)

(Sirens are going off all over Autobase. Any Autobots that can move are assembling outside the base.)

Ironhide: Prahm, what it is??

Optimus Prime: It must be a Decepticon attack.

(Everyone looks up in shock as the meanest, greenest of the Decepticon merge teams appears on top of Autobase.)

Kup: (gasps) It's Devastator!

Optimus Prime: Geez, Kup, you act like you've never seen him or Menasor before.

Beachcomber: Lordy, what are we gonna do, Op-ti-mus?

Optimus Prime: Get Superion!

Kup: Optimus, we sent them out for Ho-Hos and Yoo-hoo.

Optimus Prime: Drat. How about Defensor?

(Groove goes riding by, proclaiming he's free, FREE!, with Blades angrily chasing after him.)

Optimus Prime: Um, the Technobots?

Skids: They're still trying to get Grimlock unglued from the floor.

Optimus Prime: Okay, Autobots, it's up to the rest of us. Transform and roll ou-

Alan: Hold the phone, Prime! The Trainbots can take care of this!

(Optimus looks to see the assembled Trainbots and Wheeljack.)

Optimus Prime: No offense, Alan, but six Micromasters chasing after a giant gestalt is more amusing than menacing.

Alan: You're mistaken Prime, and we'll show you! Trainbots, form Sixliner!

(The Trainbots jump into the air, only this time they seem to be carrying a giant waist, chest, pair of hands, feet and a head. They all snap into them, resulting in a gestalt about the size of, um, Jazz, maybe.)

Sixliner: Sixliner, ATTACKKK!

(Sixliner flies up at Devastator, right into his crotch. The Decepticon gestalt gets a really wide-eyed look, grabs his crotch and falls into his component Constructicons. The Autobots cheer as Sixliner flies back victorious.)

Sixliner: Good battle tactic, Leif.

(Sixliner returns to the ground and reverts to the form of the six Trainbots.)

Alan: Yes, we kicked ass! It's time for you know what!

Night: Oh man, come on, not now. There's people watching.

Alan: Yes! Dego, hit it. It's time for the Super Special Fun Trainbot Happy Dance!

(Dego presses a special button on his chest and music begins. To the enchanting funk-rock melody of Golden Earring's "Twilight Zone," the Trainbots begin a Micromaster dance routine that combines cheerleader tumbles and squaredancing.)

Alan: Yee-haw!!!!!!

Optimus Prime: That's amazing, Wheeljack, how did you turn them into a gestalt?

Wheeljack: One word, Prime - Prostethics.

(And so, the Trainbots chugged off into Autobot legend and as heroes of handicapped children everywhere. THE END)


End file.
